


Pulchra Animo

by FinaFee8



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Anniversary, Dreaming, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-04 21:30:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16354640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FinaFee8/pseuds/FinaFee8
Summary: Something must have happened. Something that excluded every other solution - every other option than this one. Something that made Ronan Lynch - against all odds - use his phone.





	1. The Phone Call

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story because I wanted to force the characters out of their comfort zone (which includes not talking) to make them say and recognize things they normally wouldn't admit. It's kinda dramatic but in the end, it's all about the profound love they share.. <3

Something must have happened.

Something that excluded every other solution – every other option than this one.

Something that made Ronan Lynch, against all odds, use his phone.

Gansey stared at his display for a few seconds, reading the name it showed over and over again to make sure he wasn’t wrong, that he hadn’t mistaken it. To clarify, it wasn’t the first time Ronan used his phone to contact him. There have been like two or three occasions during the last years when Ronan had texted or even called him. For example, Matthew’s farewell party last year. But since Gansey had left with Blue Sargent, Henry Cheng and their two Camaros for Venezuela, Ronan Lynch had never – not even once called him. He had texted him. A very few times, like “Shall the new Cabeswater have a mint-tree forest?” or “Tell your damn girlfriend to stop spamming me! Like, what the fucking hell, don’t you have better stuff to do?”

 Gansey had contacted him, of course. He phoned him several times the month and told him everything that had happened during the last weeks. He could talk for hours about the myths and legends they had heard of. About the cultures, they had explored. Gansey loved to talk about the things he loved. Ronan didn’t. He would just grumble a few answers and when his friend pushed him he would give a short report about the new Cabeswater he was creating or how Adam, Opal or Chainsaw was doing. Ronan deserved an A+ in making one sentence summaries. Gansey was okay with that. He knew Ronan so he didn’t expect him to do any different. As long as everything remained the usual, he wouldn’t need to talk to him. Gansey knew he talked to Adam. Sometimes. Because occasionally, Adam would call him, complain about his stubborn boyfriend or just tell Gansey what was going on. Like this, Gansey wouldn’t need to worry and could accept Ronan’s mumbled “fine” as a satisfying answer.

 But still, there was Ronan’s name lighting up on Gansey’s phone – and it chased his heartbeat into unhealthy heights. _Something bad must have happened_ , Gansey thought, swallowed the mint leaf which had rested between his teeth and picked up.

 “Ronan? Is everything alright?”

 “No _hello_ for your old friend?” Ronan asked with a hoarse voice. He sounded nervous.

 “Are you okay? Is Adam okay? What has happened?”

 “Shit, calm down, man. No one died.”

 “You never call me, Ronan. Not even on my birthday. How am I supposed to stay calm?” Gansey rubbed his forehead and tried to calm his breath. _No one died_ – at least that was for sure.

 “I did call you on your birthday.”

 “You sent me a mashup of _the Murder Squash Song_ and _Happy Birthday_. That doesn’t count as a call.”

 “Well, next time I will sing it to you in person if it that’s what you –”

 “Damn it, Lynch,” Gansey interrupted him. “Why did you call me?”

 “I wanted to hear your voice.”

 “Yeah, screw you, Ronan.”

 Ronan laughed. But something sounded wrong about it. As if it wasn’t honest.

 “What is it?” Gansey asked again, softer this time. He didn’t want to brush him off. Not when there was something serious going on – something that made Ronan Lynch voluntarily pick up a phone.

 “It’s Adam,” Ronan said. His voice sounded absent. Like his thoughts were already pulled into another direction – away from now and Gansey; back to something that had happened before.

 “What is with Adam?” Gansey asked carefully – determined not to scare him away. Ronan didn’t reply for three whole minutes. Gansey knew the exact amount of time because he was staring at a clock which hung directly above his desk. When the second hand hit the twelve a third time, he couldn’t stand the silence anymore.   

 “Come on, man. You know you can talk to me about this stuff.”

To be perfectly honest, he wasn’t sure if Ronan knew he could. But Gansey thought that when he could talk about – or at least _tell_ Ronan about his relationship with Blue – which he did, almost every time he called, Ronan would know that he could, too. But he never did before. Because he never talked about anything. _Words_ – they just weren’t Ronan’s way to communicate.

 “Isn’t Adam at the barns this week?” Gansey said, trying to sound unconcerned. Even he could tell he failed.

 “Yeah,” Ronan replied. It was the kind of _yeah_ that usually followed a _but,_ but no matter how long Gansey waited for it to be spoken, it didn’t come.

 “Did you two had a fight?”

  _Silence_.

Or in other words:

  _You can’t even imagine_.

 Right in the second, Gansey wanted to start a wise talk about the complexity of relationships and the complete ordinary arguments that come with it, Ronan made use of his voice again.

 “Adam’s gone.” He pushed the words out of his mouth like he wanted to get rid of something that burned his tongue. “We fought. Doors were slammed. Curses flew. He drove away. Opal screamed. He is gone and won’t come back. That’s it. Here you have it. Happy?”

 When Adam had first approached Gansey to tell him about Ronan and the feelings he might have for him – Ronan for Adam and Adam for Ronan, Gansey knew that this was serious. This wasn’t a small crush which would vanish after a couple of weeks. This was something with full heart and head and if it would break somehow, it would leave them both in pieces.

 Gansey also knew it wasn’t the first time they had fought. They fought a lot. Blue said it was their way to express their love for each other. Henry agreed. Gansey didn’t know. But in all this time they have been together now, they had never talked about a breakup. Ronan had never turned to Gansey for help. Ronan had never _called_ Gansey.

 But now he had. This was serious. This was breaking into pieces.

 During the first ten seconds of silence Gansey had allowed himself to think this through so he would find the right response, a thousand questions rushed through his head. _When did it happen? Have you heard anything from Adam since then? What did you two fight about? What did you say to make him leave?_

Then he thought about ways how he could talk sense into Ronan again. Like _Shit, Ronan, you need to talk to him. Why can’t you guys just talk? You always have to slam doors and storm off instead of just talking to each other like normal human beings! Just speak to him. I’m sure you can fix this – if anyone then you. You have to._

Really, they _had_ _to_.

Because what was happening if they didn’t? Everything – their whole group would fall apart. _Ronan_ would fall apart – that was for granted. And Gansey would be the one who had to put his pieces back together. But _Gansey_ wasn’t there.

All these thoughts flashed up in his mind within twenty seconds.

Then he said while wrinkling his forehead: “Didn’t you just celebrate your anniversary last week?”

 _This_ wasn’t the right response.

 “What? Yes… we…How do you even know that shit?” Gansey heard Ronan shifting in front of his phone. A loud rustle and a soft, hoarse cry of a raven told him that Ronan had sat up. Chainsaw must be bothered by this.

 “Adam told me,” Gansey said and cleared his throat. “He said you had planned something.”

 Ronan let out a loud snort. “Ha, I’m glad I never have to care about this mindfucking crap again.”

 “Stop talking like this. You know you don’t mean it.”

 “Do I? I wouldn’t be that sure, Gansey.”

Gansey exhaled deeply. He knew that whenever one of his friends turned to him – when they spilled out their concerns and feelings to him – they wanted something. Something very specific. They already knew what they wanted – what they needed him to say so they would be satisfied. The problem was: Gansey didn’t. He had to guess what they needed to hear. And this wasn’t always as easy as to tell Adam that he should be honest with himself. Well, maybe it was when he thought about it longer. All Ronan had to do was to be honest with himself and with Adam. Gansey was pretty sure that a good talk between the two of them could solve this. But Gansey was also pretty sure that Ronan wouldn’t be satisfied with this answer. Ronan needed strict instructions. The problem was: Gansey didn’t have the manual.

“Tell me, Ronan. Why are you so upset?”


	2. The Empty Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm overwhelmed by how many kudos I already got for just the first chapter - in one day! (Maybe it isn't that outstanding in comparison to other stories but for me it is :) So, thank you so much, everyone!  
> I hope you like the second part as well <3

Ronan didn’t feel upset. He felt furious. Or in other words – words he would never admit, he felt broken.

 He sat in the living room and stared at an unidentifiable stain on the wall he was facing. Broken and ripped out things all around him. It had been a long day.

 Quite frankly, Ronan wasn’t that sure anymore if calling Gansey had been the right choice. But he had run through all phases of his anger and hurt until he didn’t know what to do anymore. Usually, he would face Gansey at this point. So, he could tell him what to do. But Gansey was in Venezuela and Ronan was here. A drawer got ripped out of its shelf for this. Then Ronan had remembered that there was some screwed-up invention to speak to your friends that aren’t near enough to meet up and that he possessed one of these awful things. An hour of slamming and punching things later, Ronan had dialled Ganseys number into his phone. He still couldn’t believe he really had.

 “Come on, Lynch,” Gansey said wearily when Ronan remained silent. “Speak to me.”

“He failed in one of his essays,” Ronan spit out fiercely. He clenched his fist and made his knuckles crunch.

“What essay?”

“An important one. I don’t know shit about it. He needs perfect grades so he can keep his scholarship – especially in the first semester. But he screwed this one up. And it’s my fault.” With each word, Ronan’s voice became tenser. Cooled down anger started to raise up again.

 “Why is it your fault?” Gansey asked, his voice sounded like nothing of this made sense to him. Ronan hated him for it. He hated the entire world right now.

 “Why don’t you ask Adam?” he said, mockery resonating in his voice. “He found a very nice way to put it into words.”

 “Yeah, because you are always the true gentleman.”

 “Fuck you, Gansey. Seriously.”

 “ _You_ called _me_ , remember?”

 He had. And he regretted it. What in this damn world made him think that Gansey could fix this for him? He wasn’t here. He was gone. Just like Adam. There was nothing he could do for Ronan.

Nothing besides listening.

Nothing besides understanding.

Nothing besides telling him what to do.

Ronan took a deep breath as if he was preparing himself for a long dive.

 “So, we had this stupid thing last week,” he breathed out.

 “You mean your anniversary?” Gansey said.

 “If you want to call it so, do it,” Ronan grumbled in response. “So, I had this _thing_ planned. A surprise or whatever. Shit like this.”

 Ronan sighed before he started speaking again. “Yeah well, it fell on a Saturday so it wasn’t impossible for him to come over. I mean it’s a long drive and shit but I don’t know. I wanted him here. Had been a little while since he was the last time. Studying and so on.”

Ronan plucked on the leather around his wrist. He didn’t tell Gansey that he felt like they were already drifting apart for a few weeks now. He didn’t tell him that each time Adam came over he felt like he was keeping him from being somewhere else. Somewhere more important. He didn’t tell him that he felt like he was losing him. He wouldn’t tell him.

“So, I texted him. Asked him to come over for the weekend. He didn’t understand. He would come the following week anyway because he had his week off then and why couldn’t this just wait until then. He couldn’t come, he had to study and work in the garage and so on. Well, you know him.”

 Ronan fell into silence for a few heartbeats. Waiting for any reaction of Gansey. But there was none, so he continued.

 “So, I was kinda pissed. But then Adam called back just an hour later and said he had changed his mind. He would come. I said it doesn’t matter anymore but this asshole insisted to come. Don’t ask me where this suddenly came from.”

 What Ronan didn’t know was that Gansey had the answer to this question because in the meantime of this said hour Adam had called Gansey and asked him if he remembered the exact date of Matthew’s farewell party. He did remember.

 “He came over,” Ronan kept going. “Everything was cool. That’s what I thought at least. Because apparently, it wasn’t.” He let his head fell forward, staring at his lap in which Chainsaw rested, her head buried under her left wing. “He had to write this shitty essay. It was due to Monday. He forgot it.”

  Silence.

 “He didn’t tell me first. When he came home on Saturday, he didn’t say anything. But he was a silent shithead for two days. Didn’t talk and stuff. Everything was screwed up again. And then today, all this crap came up and exploded. Then he left.”

 “What crap?” Gansey asked, his voice soft. “I can’t imagine Adam blaming you for this. He wouldn’t break up because of such dumb reasons.”

 “Well, damn it, Gansey. He did.”

 “Ronan,” Gansey said like _You know that’s not all_. Ronan snorted but he wasn’t annoyed by Gansey. He was annoyed by the whole fucking world.

 “Maybe I said some stuff because I was angry that he didn’t tell me.”

 “What stuff?”

 “I don’t know, man. He just ran off on me. I forced him to speak with me this morning– to finally tell me what is wrong and ... I don’t know. We fucked it up. So, it’s over. For good.”

 Even when he just said it, he still couldn’t believe it really was. Adam was gone. And he had said he wouldn’t come back.

 Last weekend, it was like they had time travelled – back to last summer. This morning, every unspoken thought and feeling they had suppressed during this fall had come up. The bullets where shot so unerringly – neither of them had left the scene without bleeding. And neither of them had left without blood on their hands. Ronan just wasn’t ready to see the one that was sticking to his.

 “What did you say to him?” Gansey asked.

 “I don’t remember.”

 “But what did you say to make him explode? To make him run off?”

 “Are you fucking kidding me? I didn’t _make_ him _run off_! I didn’t mean to make him leave, for fuck’s sake! That wasn’t how I had dreamed this week.” Ronan literally foamed. He stood up and started pacing through the room. Chainsaw cried and fluttered to Opal, who hid behind the kitchen sink, chewing on a tape.

 “I know, Ronan. I know,” Gansey said, trying to step back. “But if you want me to understand the situation you have to tell me what made Adam this upset and eventually leave. Otherwise, I don’t know how to help you, okay?”

 Ronan kicked against a doorframe, he wanted to punch a hole into it, but he held the phone in his right hand and his left one was already bruised from a broken mirror. So instead he rested his forehead against it. He could feel how his eyes started burning – a feeling he had pressed down once too often today. He couldn’t do it anymore. Tears dropped from his chin.

 “What did you say, Ronan?”, Gansey asked again. For a moment Ronan was afraid that he had seen his tears and he wiped over his face with the seam of his shirt. The seam of Adam’s shirt.

 Ronan swallowed. “I said, that if he leaves now, he has not to come back.” He swallowed again. “He left.”

 Both boys were silent for a moment.

 Then Gansey said: “Did you mean it?”

 Ronan was silent for another moment.

 He could hear Gansey exhale on the other side of the phone. Ronan stared at his feet. He was barefoot.

 “When did he leave?”

 “Noon.”

 It was 9 pm now.

 “Where are you?”

 “Home.”

 It didn’t feel like home.

 “Go out,” Gansey said. “Go driving or whatever, just leave this house.”

 Ronan snorted. “Why?”

 “You need to clear your head. Think about what you said and what you meant. And then you call him.”

 “I don’t –”

 “You will call him, Ronan. You guys need to talk. And you can’t drive 10 hours tonight. You will end up dead in a ditch.”

 Ronan snorted again.

 “Promise me you won’t drive to Cambridge tonight, Ronan. Please.”

 Ronan wouldn’t drive to Cambridge. Not now.

 First, he would drive somewhere else.

 Gansey wanted Ronan to clear his head. So he did.


	3. Burnt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the kudos and comments! This means the world to me <3  
> I hope you enjoy the new chapter.

Adam sat in his car. His dashboard told him it was 9 pm. His duffle bag sat on the backseat. It sat there for almost nine hours now. The motor of his Tri-colored Hondayota roared and if Adam didn’t know that Ronan had dreamt a cure for it, he would be afraid it would break down soon.

 Adam’s head was hurting. In fact, his entire body was hurting. From exhaustion and fear. A few hours ago, there had burned a fire in him – lightened by anger and desperation and he had to control it consistently or he would have set everything in flames. It had scared him so much that his whole body had been shaking for several minutes. He had to pull over and steady his breath until he could go on. He wouldn’t let this rage win control over him. He wouldn’t be like his father. He was _Adam_. And Adam could control himself. He had to.

 _How do you know?,_ a voice spoke in Adam’s head. _You couldn’t earlier._ His fingers clenched around the steering wheel. A sting ran through his chest.

His memory of the fight had already begun to blur. He had been in such heat and fury – he couldn’t even tell what he had said out loud and what he hadn’t.

He had said a lot.

He had screamed and slammed doors.

_How did all this start?_

He couldn’t even answer that question.

His phone lay on the passenger seat next to him and he reached for it, his eyes sticking to the road. When Adam was supposed to leave for University, Ronan wanted to dream him a phone. So that he could call him in case of an emergency. Not for late night chats. Or some exchange between lectures. Ronan wouldn’t talk via phone with him. Ronan rejected every use of a phone. But still, he wanted him to have one. For emergencies. Adam insisted to buy one on his own, once he had enough money again. He had spent all on a new laptop. But then on the day Adam was meant to leave, Ronan showed up with a little package for him.

 “For you,” he had said and handed it to him. “But don’t open it before you are in your dorm room.”

 When Adam sat on his freshly made bed, he opened the in newspaper wrapped gift. It was Ronan’s cellphone. It had just two numbers in its contacts. Gansey’s and an anonym one. Adam called the latter. Ronan's voice sounded from the speaker.

 “Hey, Parrish,” he had said. “How’s Harvard?”

 “I said I can buy a mobile, Ronan,” Adam had answered but there was a smile on his lips when he heard Ronan’s voice. It was the first familiar one for hours.

 “Yeah yeah, I know,” he had replied bored but he also couldn’t hide the unwinding of his own when he could listen to the calm sound of Adam’s voice again. “But you just said you don’t want me to _dream_ _you_ one. And I didn’t.”

 “So instead you dreamt yourself a new one? That’s cheating, Lynch.”

 “It’s not. And even if, I don’t care.”

 “I thought you don’t do phoning.”

 “I don’t.”

 “What are we doing right now then?”

 “We are just talking, Parrish.”

 “Yes, via phone.”

 “Well, no one has to know, right?” he had said, the grin on his face so audible that Adam’s face couldn’t do otherwise than imitating it.  

 All this felt like ages ago. Last weekend felt ages ago. How did he manage to break everything in such a short time?

 He stared at his phone for a second, then he opened his contacts and called the first number. Gansey picked up immediately. “Parrish?”

 “Hey,” Adam said and cleared his throat. “What are you doing?”

 “Oh, ehh…nothing. Just waiting for Blue and Henry to come back from grocery shopping.”

 “Now? It’s almost half past nine.” Adam turned the phone on speaker and laid it on top of the storage board. He wouldn’t die because he hadn’t both hands on the wheel.

 “It’s calmer in the stores now. I don’t know. They always do it in the evening,” Gansey answered. He fell silent and Adam could hear him swallow.

 “Are you alright, Adam?” he asked.

 Adam wasn’t. He was a hundred miles away from alright.

 “I’m alright,” he answered. The better fitting word here would have been _lied_. “It’s just…” He rubbed his forehead. “I think I made a mistake.”

 “Really?” Gansey said, sounding relieved. Then he added: “I mean, what have you done?”

 Adam squeezed the steering wheel so tightly, his nails dug into it. “I think I just broke up with Ronan.”

 “You did _what?_ ” Gansey asked surprised. If Adam had had a clear mind, he might have recognized that he was _too_ surprised. But Adam’s head was hurting and he could barely catch a clear thought.

 “We had a fight this morning. It was terrible. Like _literally_ the worst. And I… I ran completely off on him. I just couldn’t handle it.”

 “Oh,” was all Gansey replied.

 “Yeah, and then I … I don’t know.” Adam shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. It stuck to his sweaty forehead. “He said he doesn’t want me there anymore, so I left.”

 “You did?”

 “Yes. And now I don’t know how I feel about it. I mean, it wasn’t… we weren’t that _good_ in the last time, you know. And this week… I had some trouble with the uni because I totally forgot to turn in this one essay and just immediately got a warning from the council that I have to rethink my priorities and stuff if I want to keep my scholarship… I mean, like… What the hell?! In my whole life I never… I didn’t…” He rubbed his eyes. “I just… I don’t know. I was just in over my head. I still am, I guess.” He needed to exhale to steady his breath. His grip tightened even more. “And all this stuff going on with Ronan. It was like every time I came over he was like he … I don’t know. I wouldn’t say like he didn’t want me to, but he was… like he didn’t _expect_ me to. And I can feel that he is lonely and that he has struggles with dreaming the new Cabeswater. But every time I mention it he changes the subject and I just don’t know… I didn’t… Shit, damn it, Gansey. I don’t know what’s the right thing to do anymore.”

 Admitting it was almost as bad as accepting a loan. His voice was shaking by now and he had to concentrate even more on driving so he wouldn’t build a crash.

 He was at his limit. There was no other way to put it. He had broken everything and now he didn’t know how to fix it on his own anymore.

“WE ARE BACK!” Blue Sargent’s voice sounded through the speaker, followed by loud rumbling. It shook Adam for a second, throwing him back into old times.

 “GANSEYBOOOY, YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT WE SAW!” Henry. Followed by more rumbling.

 “SHUT UP, HENRY! THAT’S MY STORY TO TELL!” Blue. “SO, WE STAND IN THE QUEUE AND THERE WAS THIS GUY WITH A PIDGEON ON A LEASH. LIKE A REAL DAMN PIDGEON. AND HE – Oh, whom are you talking to?”

 Adam could hear Gansey hesitating for a second. “It’s Adam,” he said then and before he could say more, Adam heard Blue ruffling closer and speaking into Gansey’s phone.

 “Hey, Adam! How are you? Enjoying your week off with your grumpy boyfriend?”

 If Adam were in the same room as them, he could have seen Gansey shooting a look at Blue. Gesture her to stop it. He could have seen Blue catching her breath and open her eyes widely. He could have heard her whisper _“What has happened?”,_ followed by a hushed _“Later.”_

But he couldn’t. All he could see were the rushing lights outside the windshield and all he could hear was the steady purring of his Hondayota and the throbbing of his headache. Because his friends were in Venezuela and he wasn’t. Because he wasn’t alright and neither he was with Ronan.

His eyes started burning.

This wasn’t right.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

“I will talk to you another day,” Blue said, worry echoing in her voice. “Love ya.” Then he could hear a door getting closed and Henry asking: “Did something happen?”

 Gansey exhaled slowly. “I am _so_ sorry. I didn’t –”

“Never mind,” Adam cut him off, blinking heavily.

“Sorry. Now I completely lost the thread. What did you say?”

“I just said…” He closed his eyes for a second and swallowed. “Well, it doesn’t matter, anyway. I was wrong to think that you could help me with this. I screwed this up all by myself. Sorry I bothered you with this shit.”

 “No, Adam! Please wait!” Gansey said. “I’m sure we can find a way to fix this!”

 “I don’t think there is. A way to fix this, I mean. I fucked it up and now I have to deal with the consequences. That’s it.”

 “Is that really how you’re thinking?”

 “Yes.”

 It wasn’t. Or at least, it wasn’t how he wished he would be thinking.

“Can I say something and you promise me you won’t get angry?” Gansey said carefully.

Adam couldn’t. But he was a good liar today. “Go ahead,” he said.

 “I guess, you two are just getting to the point where a long distant relationship starts to get complicated. Maybe because it doesn’t work out as easily as you have imagined it, I don’t know. But I know that it keeps getting more complicated when you don’t talk about it. Each of you is just eating all their worries and fears and no one says what is really bothering him because when you see each other you don’t talk about it and change something. Maybe it’s because you don’t want to ruin it but if you keep going like this, you will break. You already are. But I don’t think its too late to fix this. You just have to want it, I think.”

 “We already tried,” Adam said wearily.

 “Tried what?”  
 “Talking. Didn’t work out.”

 Adam could still hear the curses and shouts they had thrown at each other. He could still hear Ronan’s words that told him to leave. It wasn’t even talking anymore. It was just screaming and blaming. _Hurting_.

And it wasn’t that they couldn’t talk to each other like normal people did. But they could just better communicate without. They had always comprehended the other without using words. That’s how they worked. They just _knew_.

 Gansey sighed. Adam could feel the argument which was sitting ambush. But he had enough accusing and cussing for today.

 _Maybe I should just hang off_ , Adam thought. _Before I ruin this, too._

“Okay,” Gansey said firmly, like he was sure his next point would be the right key to solve this. “So, there is a difference between just _talking_ and saying stuff that pops into your mind even if you don’t really mean it and _talking_ like _being honest_.”

 “Damn it, Gansey. I’m not five. I know –”

 “I just... I just don’t think that you were honest this morning. Both of you,” Gansey continued, ignoring Adam.

 “How do you want to know?” Adam replied. His pulse was already racing again. “You weren’t there!”

 “No, but I _know_ you.” Gansey’s voice was calm when he spoke these words. Like they were the solution to everything. “And I know that you _and_ Ronan are both likely to say stuff without meaning to.” He hesitated for a moment before he went on. “And sometimes you _harm_ without meaning to.”

 Adam wanted to shoot a fiery response but he couldn’t. Because he knew Gansey was right. He didn’t want to see it but there was this fire in him – a fire that caught flames when it got heated and it would leash out to the people he loved and burn them without his control. And sometimes – when it completely won over him – it would burn himself.

He was covered in fresh scars.

 “I don’t think he meant it,” Gansey said softly. “I don’t think he really wanted you to go. I think he was just hurt.”

 Maybe Gansey was right. Maybe Ronan didn’t mean to send him away. Maybe Adam had just set him in flames and Ronan had tried to fight them off. Maybe it wasn’t too late to fix all this. Maybe –

 “Wait!” Adam cried out abruptly. “Did you talk to him? Did he _call_ you?”

 “What?”

 “ _Ronan!_ Did he call you?” A car honked behind Adam because he had slowed down. He tore the steering wheel to the right and pulled his Hondayota over.

“Please, Gansey,” Adam said as he stopped his car on the dark roadside. Besides the black car which rushed past him, the street was completely empty. “Tell me, is he alright?”

Such a dumb question. Ronan had _called_ Gansey. Ronan never called anybody – except for his secret calls with Adam which didn’t count because they were secret. Ronan only used his phone when he didn’t see any other option. When he was devastated.

Ronan was devastated. Because of him.                               

Gansey didn’t answer.

 “Fuck!” Adam cursed and covered his eyes with his hands. “What have I done?” He shook his head, his fingers were trembling. Then he wiped his face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. Ronan’s sweatshirt. “I have to go back. To make sure he’s alright.”  
 “You nearly must have reached Boston by now, Adam!” Gansey’s voice yelled from the dashboard. “You can’t drive the whole way back tonight!”

 “I don’t,” Adam replied and restarted the engine.

 “You don’t? Didn’t you just say –”

 “I won’t drive the whole way back to Henrietta.” He pressed the gas pedal and turned the car. “I never left.”

Gansey was too perplexed for a moment to answer. “What do you mean you never left?”

 “I never made it to the highway,” Adam admitted while he accelerated, speeding past the town sign of his home. “I just couldn’t. I felt like I was doing a huge mistake.”

 “So, you drove the whole day around Henrietta?” Gansey asked in disbelief. Adam was conscious of how ridiculous this sounded but it was the truth.

 “Yes.”

 “What would you have done if you didn’t decide to go back?” Gansey was clearly confused.

 “I will call you later, okay? I have to think right now.” And with these words, Adam hung up and dialled Ronan’s number. Of course, he didn’t answer.

Adam pressed the gas pedal to the floor.

He was going home.


	4. Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to all my readers! You are amazing! <3  
> Enjoy the new chapter :)

When Ronan was a kid once – someone who looked at him now could hardly believe it but he had been one once – he had been playing in the woods with Declan during summer. They had played hide and seek and fought games of war. They had climbed up the trees, inciting each other to climb higher and higher until the branches were already squawking beneath them. One day, Declan had dared him to climb on top of the highest tree in the entire forest. The highest tree they had found, at least. Ronan laughed about it, mocking his brother that he thought this would be a challenge for him. Then he started climbing. Higher and higher until the branches were just as thick as his small fingers back then. He had almost reached the branch fork Declan had pointed at as something under his foot broke. He was too surprised as that he could catch his balance again so he fell. He fell and he fell and he fell. When he hit the ground, all air of his body got pressed out of him and he could barely breathe. And he had this weird feeling like he knew something was wrong, something had broken but he didn’t know what.

That’s how he felt since this morning.

He laid on a pew inside St. Agnes – the little church in the middle of Henrietta. A place he had always sought for peace and clear thoughts. Something he needed more than anything right now.

No, this wasn’t true.

What he needed more than anything right now had once lived just meters away from were Ronan laid in this second.

Ronan exhaled. He tried to sleep. He tried to dream. But for some reasons, it wasn’t as easy as usual today to leave the reality behind. Even when he didn’t want to do anything more than this. Getting rid of this hurt, waking up somewhere he could breathe again. Or where he could at least pretend he could.

 He knew that there would just be nightmares waiting for him – they always came when he needed to escape the real world. When the real world was the nightmare. But still. There they weren’t real. Here they were. There he knew how to handle them. Here he didn’t.

 Ronan’s eyelids were closed when the lights started to flicker. It wouldn’t be unusual – the electrics of the church were old. The thing was, Ronan hadn’t turned them on.

His eyes shot open. The light flickered again, illuminating the dark rows of wooden pews. Then it died off. The only remaining source of light was a candle next to the altar.

 _“Ronan?”_ a voice asked. It was like a whisper. Like someone was right next to him, breathing into his ear. Chasing chills over his back. He sat up.

_“Ronan?”_

 He knew this voice.

 He knew this voice better than his own.

 _“RONAN!”_ it said again. Louder this time. Desperate.

 “Adam?” Ronan asked, looking around. Trying to make out where his voice came from. “Where are you?”

 _“NOO! RONAN!”_ This time the voice shouted from somewhere distant. Echoing in the pipe organ.

 “Adam!” Ronan got onto his feet and climbed over the pew. “Are you here?” He ran through the aisle, checking each bench for life but he couldn’t find him. He couldn’t find anything.

 _“ROONAAAN!”_ Adam’s voice sounded so devasted and in pain, Ronan nearly lost his mind. He ran faster, shouting back, asking whether he was okay. If he was hurt. But Adam just repeated Ronan’s name over and over again – sounding more hopeless with each time. Ronan decided that he must be outside the church so he headed for the exit but no matter how fast he ran, he never reached it. There was just one row of pews after another with no end in sight. The darkness was behind him, grabbing with all its hands for him, trying to pull him back. And when he looked at his arms, the black inked lines of his tattoo were flickering all the way down to his wrists. They pulsated and burned and soon they covered his whole arms and hands. His face. They took his breath and his sight. Then they swallowed all his senses. They swallowed Ronan and made him complete the darkness. 

 Adam’s shout was the only thing existing beside it.

 The only thing it couldn’t swallow.

_“RONAN!”_

 

Ronan’s eyes jerked open. He needed a few seconds to remember.

He was in St. Agnes. Alone.

Adam wasn’t here. Adam was gone.

He had just dreamt. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved.

He lifted his head and kneaded his forehead. His head hurt like he had smashed it against a wall. For a terrifying moment, he thought he had maybe pulled the darkness with him – that he had taken it out of his dream. But his hands weren’t black anymore, neither were his arms. He was alright.

Only that he wasn’t.

He got up and left the church. The night was cold and windy. The air smelled like rain.

And while Ronan walked down the street, headed to his BMW, he was sure of two things:

First, he wouldn’t drive to the barns tonight. Even when he knew there was a storm coming – a storm so heavy, it would probably leak into his house because he hadn’t closed the windows – he wasn’t even sure if he had closed the front door. No. Ronan wouldn’t return to the barns. All there was left, was silence and broken things.

No.

Ronan would drive _home_.

 

He knew the way to Harvard. He had been there a few times by now. He also knew that the drive would last around ten hours. Though Ronan would probably just need eight. Especially tonight.

Sure, he could just use his phone and _call_ Adam. Perhaps they could sort out some of this mess this way, too. But why use his phone when he could just talk to him in person? This was something Ronan would never understand. So instead, he would drive. Ronan had always loved driving, especially at night. It would do him good.

He steered his BMW towards the highway, while he turned on his music. He didn’t crank up the volume as loud as usually – when he drove alone or with Adam through the dead streets of Henrietta. Windows all down and laughter chiming through the beats. Entangled hands and the feeling of infinity.

This night didn’t feel like infinity. This night felt like he was standing on a crossroad and if he took the wrong turn, he would never find the way back.

Ronan was pretty sure he had taken the right turn. Maybe he was a bit late and maybe he took it a bit too sharp but he was sure he was right. He had to. He wouldn’t survive being lost. Not again.

He was the only car on the highway – no one was headed outer state on a Monday night. No one besides this one BMW, chasing after a Tri-colored Hondayota which was miles ahead of him.

It turned out this wasn’t true. There was a car, Ronan didn’t really pay attention which one, a dozen meters ahead of him, but driving so slowly, Ronan would probably crash into it. Furiously, he hit the honk, making the slowed down car pull over. He cussed over the stupidity of the driver and craved his neck to get a quick glance as he rushed past him.

There was this phenomenon everyone had experienced more than often. Sometimes a person spoke to you and at first, you weren’t able to understand them. The words just didn’t make sense in your head. But when you thought about it a second longer – replaying the melody of the words in your head – you suddenly understood. Suddenly you recognized. The same worked with pictures. If you looked at them again in your memory, you often remembered the film they were part of even if you first had no clue you already knew what you just saw.

This was what Ronan experienced at this moment. He drove at least one minute, thinking about the incident with this moronic driver until he hit the brakes and made the wheels squeak dramatically.

He stopped his car in the middle of the highway. It would have been a suicide if there was any other car beside him. But there only was the Tri-colored car, which now turned around and speeded back to the city Ronan had just left.

Without thinking, Ronan did the same. He tore the steering wheel around and made the speed indicator flicker. Then he raced down the street, following the car he had just mocked.

He felt like this was a race. But different from every other race he had run so far, this one meant something. Never had he ever wanted to reach the finish line as badly as now. Never had he ever wanted to catch up with his opponent so urgently as with this one. And never had he ever wanted to win the honour of the driver instead of showing off his own.


	5. Home

Adam squinted at the wing mirror. And indeed, someone was following him. The headlights were too bright so he couldn’t make out the driver or even the car but someone was clearly following him. Though _following_ wasn’t the right word. Someone was _chasing_ him.

He wanted to go faster but he had almost reached the turn-off which led to the barns. He couldn’t take it with such speed. He would trail off the road if he did.

When Adam eventually took the road to the barns, the car chasing him tailgated as far as possible and followed him all the way down to the old farmhouse. Adam parked his car next to the dark front porch, then he got out and glanced at his pursuer. The headlights were still blinding him – his eyes still adjusted to the dark – so he couldn’t identify anything or anyone, but when the driver got finally out of his seat and stepped into the shine of his headlamps, Adam immediately understood. 

 “Ronan?”

 “Parrish,” Ronan said, only his silhouette visible. He had his hands shoved into his pockets and his shoulders were squared, that much Adam could tell. But when Adam stepped closer – or maybe Ronan did, you couldn’t tell – Adam could see his face, which looked tired and worn even when he tried to hide it under a wry smile. A twinge ran through him, confirming the worry that brought him here.

 “You came back,” Ronan said dryly and nodded towards his shitbox.

 “I did,” he replied calmly and kicked some gravel with his foot aside. “Did you want me to?” He squinted at Ronan who held his gaze for a moment before looking down.

 “I didn’t think _you_ want to,” Ronan shrugged. But his face was serious now, no trace of the impish grin he had worn just a second ago.

 “ _You_ told _me_ to go, remember?” Adam hissed at him with raised eyebrows. He could feel this heat tickling in his fingertips again – the heat which had burnt all this in the first place and which he didn’t want to take the overhand again. He forced himself to take a deep breath. This wasn’t the way he wanted to go. He opened his mouth to apologize – to take his spoken words back, but Ronan was faster.

 “I know,” Ronan shot out hastily, like he wanted to get over it as fast as possible. “And I’m sorry?” He spoke the last word like a question. As if he wanted to know if that was what Adam wanted to hear.

 Adam didn’t know what he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear the truth – that was the only thing he could tell. He wanted Ronan to be honest with him and himself. He wanted himself to be honest. With both of them.

“Are you? Really?” Adam asked, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Because you didn’t sound so sorry when you told me to leave this morning. _For good_.”

 “I didn’t think you really would.” Ronan didn’t meet his eyes. He just kept staring at his feet.

 “This wasn’t my question,” Adam replied, shaking his head. “I just want you to be honest with me, okay?” He swallowed. “Did you mean it? When you told me to go, did you mean it?” He watched a muscle in Ronan’s jaw twist, while he refused to look up. Adam gave him a minute to answer.

Ronan didn’t use it.

 “Okay,” Adam said nodding. He cleared his throat and turned back to his car, ignoring the pain in his chest.

 “Adam. Wait,” Ronan spoke suddenly, making a step in his direction. Adam paused and exhaled, but he didn’t turn around.

 “I didn’t mean it,” Ronan said desperately. “I didn’t want you to leave.”

 Adam stared at his hands. He knew Ronan never lied. He also knew that Ronan often said things he didn’t mean. When he was teasing or mad at him. Or when he couldn’t find the right words – because words just weren’t meant for Ronan. They weren’t meant for the dreamer. Because he could dream things and worlds words couldn’t even reach.

Adam would never be fully able to understand this side of Ronan, but he always knew when he meant what he said and when he didn’t. He was able to read him – to find the right letters even when Ronan couldn’t. But this morning Ronan had found the right ones. He had meant what he said – that was why Adam had left. And now Ronan claimed that his words weren’t right after all. That he wasn’t honest even if it had felt like he was. And now Adam didn’t know anymore, what the truth was.

He could feel Ronan’s nervousness behind his back. He could feel that he expected him to say something. To say that he believed him. But Adam wasn’t sure what he did. 

 “I don’t know, Ronan,” Adam said and turned around. Ronan stood closer than he had thought. He still had his hands buried in his pockets and he kept his head down, his eyes occasionally flashing to Adam’s, like they were asking a question. All of this screamed of surrender, begged for understanding.

 “What do you mean, you don’t know?” Ronan asked with a hoarse voice. He held Adam’s gaze for a second longer. Adam couldn’t stand it. He looked down at his feet.

 “I don’t know what to believe anymore,” Adam whispered. He inhaled before he went on. “Sometimes it feels like, I don’t know, like you don’t really want to have me here.”

 Ronan opened his mouth to say something but Adam cut him off. “And at the same time, I know that you are lonely, Ronan.” He looked up again but couldn’t meet his eyes. “And I don’t know if I make it better or worse and when you told me you don’t need me here anymore this morning, it made sense because –”

  _“Stop it!”_ Ronan said loudly almost angry, starring at a point next to Adam’s shoes. “I _never_ said I don’t _need_ you anymore. That’s bullshit.”

 “But –”

 “No Adam! Don’t you fucking get it?!” Ronan’s head flew up, his eyes burning red. “I need you! Shit, damn it Adam, I _love_ you!” He lifted his fist to his head and he looked like he wanted to smash something. “And I… I miss you. I miss you every fucking minute you aren’t here!”

 Adam was stunned. He had witnessed Ronan showing him his feelings and wounds but he had rarely heard him use the word _love_. “Ronan, I’m sor–”

 “ _No_ ,” he hissed, clenching his fist even more, cutting Adam off who stared at him with wide eyes. “ _Jesus!_ Don’t say you are sorry! It’s not… I know you can’t always be here and I have to get my shit together and deal with it, but,” he snorted and twisted his neck, “don’t you dare to just come over because you feel obligated or something! I can’t…” He kicked against a rock next to his feet, pressing his fists to his forehead. “I can’t stand this.”

 “What are you talking about? Why should I –”

 “This morning!” Ronan spat out like it was poison. “You said, all _this_ ,” Ronan pointed at himself and then at the barns, “is just a waste of time. You said last weekend was a waste of time.” His voice was shaking. “And then you blame _me_ for sending you away?!”

 And suddenly Adam remembered. He remembered everything he had said in the heat of this morning. Everything he said without meaning to. Without realizing how deeply his words would cut.

But now he finally saw the burn marks he had left on Ronan’s skin with these words. Ronan rarely showed his hurt but this must have really harmed him. Adam could see it in his face, in his whole posture.

 “Ronan, I…” Adam wanted to reach for his hand like he always did when he showed him this vulnerable side of his but he wasn’t sure if Ronan would let him take it, so he didn’t. “I didn’t mean it.” He bit his bottom lip and looked away. “I shouldn’t have said this. I didn’t mean it like this, I swear.” He closed his eyes for a second. “I was angry at myself. And I took it out on you. This wasn’t right.”

 Some fireflies had gathered around them, pining for the light of the BMW. Adam spotted Opal hiding behind a stone, watching them. For some reasons she loved it to watch them fight. She also loved to watch them kiss, which Adam had always found a bit disturbing, to be honest. But he loved her anyway. He loved everything about this place. It was the only place where everything in him became silent.  

He looked at Ronan, the source of this silence. His hands were still shaking and his jaw was strained. Because his eyes were swollen and red, the blue of them was even more vibrant as usually.

 “I never left Henrietta, you know,” Adam said. Ronan's eyes flashed up, just for a second. “Well, maybe I drove a few miles down the highway but I always turned around. I never left. I just couldn’t.”

 “You drove the whole day around Henrietta?”

 “Guilty.”

 Ronan shook his head and looked up the sky. A bit of tension left his body. “You are such a dumbass.”

They both fell silent for a moment.

 “I didn’t mean it, Ronan. Really,” Adam said. He still wasn’t sure if Ronan believed him. “Last weekend wasn’t a waste of time. _You_ aren’t just a waste of time to me.” He looked at Ronan’s hands, then at his eyes. “I love you.”


	6. Beautiful Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A last HUGE THANK YOU to all my readers! I'm so grateful for all your kudos and comments - really, you're amazing and make me so happy! :)  
> Before you start with the final chapter, I just wanted you to know that I drew a cover to my story (it's the one which looks like a tarot card ;) and some pictures fitting to each chapter (put them into a collage). If you are interested, you can find them on my Instagram feed (next to book posts and other fanart) - my name there is bibliophile_fina (full link in my Bio).  
> I hope you enjoy the final chapter!  
> <3

Ronan had long planned how he wanted to spend their one-year anniversary.

Well, maybe he hadn’t really planned it. He had this idea long ago without even the thought of using it for this said day. It was just a few weeks beforehand when he had decided to spare it as a surprise for Adam to celebrate and remember this one specific moment back then at Matthew’s farewell party.

After the little argument they had had and Ronan momentarily had cancelled everything and cursed the world to hell, he had eventually waited for Adam at the driveway which led to the farm. He had shoved the fight and every tension that stood between them during the last weeks aside and when Adam had seen his good and light mood he had done the same. Both of them just lived in the present for the following hours – it was like an unspoken oath. After Ronan had picked Adam up, he led them through the woods to an empty field on the very end of the country. As soon as they had sat a foot on it, rain started to pour over them. At first, Adam had complained about it and struggled as Ronan pulled him into the middle of the wide area. Ronan had laughed and held his hands, swirling him around. And then Adam had understood. He had kissed him again and again, and they laughed and cried and danced in the rain until their stomachs and legs hurt.

 It was the rain that fulfilled you with happiness and sadness at the same time. Ronan had dreamt it long ago for the new Cabeswater he was working on, but now he had made it to a permanent part of his home. Now he had finally dared to show it to Adam, the one he had originally dreamt it for. This rain – this happy and sad rain, it washed all walls away. This was why it did what it did. There were no barriers anymore that locked your feelings away. All your wounds were open and at the same time, you could feel all the love that lived inside of you. Happiness and Sadness in one.

That’s what the rain did. The rain _Ronan_ had dreamt.

 _“Pulchra animo.”_ That’s what Adam had said to him when he first understood the meaning of the rain. When he had felt its effect on both of them. When they both were completely exposed – laughing and crying about it at the same time.

_Beautiful mind._

For Ronan, this weekend had been full of importance and meaning – full of hope. This morning Adam had said, all this had been a waste of time.

This was why Ronan had said what he had said. Why he had sent him away.

But Adam hadn’t meant it.

 “Ronan”, Adam said like he always did. _Ronan_ just meaning _Ronan_ and at the same time so much more. “I wasn’t myself when I said this. You have to believe me.”

 Ronan believed him. Because he loved him. And because he knew that Adam did the same.

 “I never want you to say crap like this again then,” he said and caught Adam’s gaze which searched for his for a while now. “Never.”

 “I won’t,” Adam answered relieved, some worried lines falling off his face. “I promise. And if I do it anyway, you are allowed to slap me. Kick me. Fight me. Doesn’t matter. Just don’t send me away. I can’t spend all my gasoline money on driving around Henrietta a second time.”

 This made Ronan laugh. And when Adam finally reached for his hand, loosened his fist and crossed his fingers with his, it was like he was reliving last week all over again. He could feel all the hope in this slight touch again he had felt back then. Hope that it wasn’t too late for them – that they weren’t drifting apart, that they maybe were even closer as ever and just had to learn to deal with it.

 Ronan pulled Adam closer and wrapped both of his arms around him. Adam buried his face on his neck and clenched his fingers into his jacket.

 “Don’t you ever dare to run away again, asshole,” Ronan mumbled into his hair, feeling all worry and fear of the past hours fell off him.

 “I won’t,” Adam whispered. “I mean, I can’t do this to Gansey again.”

 “What?” Ronan shoved him away so he could look at the grin in Adam’s face.

 “This poor guy must have thought someone died.”

 Before Ronan could swear him and Gansey to hell, he kissed Ronan. And almost at the moment their lips met, it started to rain. It wasn’t the happy and sad rain of Ronan’s dreams but it still felt like it meant something. Something important. Something like hope.

The rain – it killed every last flame and cooled down the last glowing coals of the past hours. It extinguished the fire and let only remain the soothing warmth between them.

 The rain let both of them – the magician and the dreamer – time travel to last weekend. Or maybe _time travel_ wasn’t the right word. Because this wasn’t remembering a moment, reliving a time of gone-by purity. This was a feeling born from the here and now.


End file.
